WRESTLING REVIEW: Royal Rumble XXXV
The first of the big 4 pay-per-view’s on WWE’s schedule landed with a thud this year as fans took bump after bump almost as if they were in the ring with the competitors as they watched the 2022 Royal Rumble.
The ingredients for a great wrestling show were all there : mixtape Logic had the theme, there was a dream match down the card years in the making, Johnny Knoxville was scheduled to make an appearance to promote the latest Jackass film and Sasha Banks, the face of the promotion today, had just returned to compete in this very event. With all this going for itself, it was impossible for this year’s Royal Rumble to go off the rails.
The women’s Rumble match began with Sasha Banks coming in at unlucky number one, the same number she came in with the last time she contested in the event in 2020 with the same superhero gimmick, except this time instead of Wonder Woman she came out decked in a sexy Sailor Moon inspired outfit. No matter what superpowers she thought she had, all she was able to do was eliminate the legendary Melina and cause O.G. Kelly Kelly to do a wicked faceplant over the top rope. Then time stopped and Sasha herself was then eliminated moments later by Queen Zelina Vega, just to be given a video package of appreciation from WWE later on in the program simply for participating; as if that will keep the budding actress from disappearing from the squared circle again for months at a time for a Hollywood set. With the favorite out of the equation the Rumble was far from over. Michelle McCool made a return devastating the competition with her height advantage, and fresh from a loss in her long standing feud against Naomi, Sonya Deville ended up ruining a Funkadactyls reunion, eliminating both Cameron and Naomi, a shame since it would have been great to see the two former tag partners compete against each other, but wishfully these eliminations could possibly set up a future blowoff match by Deville and Naomi that can be culminated in another pay-per-view down the line.
Around the time that Naomi was eliminated the screen became extremely blonde and I was transported back to a time where I was in middle school and Divas reigned supreme, with the minor inclusion of Bianca Belair looking completely time displaced. I threw my handkerchief at the screen in disgust as Attitude Era Ivory came out to the ring , thankfully Rhea Ripley got rid of her in quick succession as Knockouts champ Mickie James came through in an effort disguised as cross-promotion between WWE and Impact! Wrestling, but in actuality was an attempt at an olive branch since the last time Mickie worked for WWE she was fired with her belongings sent to her in a Hefty bag.
Things looked to be old hat again as Mickie couldn’t even complete her entrance without McCool blocking her from entering the ring with a well placed kick through the ropes. Note this was the same woman that ran a whole feud against Mickie while dubbing her “Piggy James” throughout the majority of her Divas title reign. Mickie ended up getting some much needed vengeance and catharsis by eliminating McCool around the time that Alicia Fox made her return dropkicking everyone in sight. The Bellas came in and once more made Foxy their flunky after all these years, eliminating the master of the Northern Lights Suplex. Summer Rae (the woman credited for influencing Sasha Banks’ heel character during her developmental NXT days) had an ongoing feud with Natalya punctuated with the assistance of Charolette Flair who immediately rammed Rae upon her arrival to the ring and assisted Natalya in dumping her over the top rope.
For those following the ascent of Liv Morgan before her shove back down to undercard after the events of Day 1, she seemed like the dark horse pick as time waned on. But then her old Riott Squad partner Sarah Logan returned and indirectly dragged Morgan back to obscurity as they were both consecutively eliminated by the Hall Of Fame Bella Twins. Nikki Cross came out still with that annoying super hero gimmick and disrespected Molly Holly by beating down the legend and eliminating the original superwoman of sports entertainment. Rhea Ripley still had a feud to settle with her past partner in Cross, but as the match got to it’s last legs this angle was nearly cast aside as Ripley was seen working together with last year’s Royal Rumble winner Bianca Belair, mostly to (unsuccessfully) dump Flair over the ropes. One could only wonder what those two could bring to the nearly non-existent women’s tag team division, as it was barely even announced when the current titleholders in Carmella and Vega were even eliminated.
It was obvious then what was supposed to be more important as Joann Jett and The Blackhearts started blaring through the speakers and Ronda Rousey returned to the ring after dropping the title at Mania ’35 (note this match was being contested after all for a championship opportunity at this years Mania ’38) to treat all the women left in the squared circle as a heavy bag and all in all secure the bag and win the Rumble, which was nothing short of predictable. Ronda Rousey premiered in WWE as a part timer for years after losing her undefeated streak in MMA. Then, once the WWE belt was put on her she full-timed with rookie skills at best, and when she lost the belt to Becky Lynch at Wrestlemania 35, she then quit WWE. WWE giving her such a large win this early after turning her back on the company makes as much sense as allowing the majority of the competitors of this year’s Royal Rumble contestants to be Hall of Famers, while (NXT) newcomers who have already proven their salt just took up space on the bench in the locker room.
WWE likes to bank on nostalgia, which is why Banks’ return was a night prior to this big event to drum up ticket sales for Rousey’s “big” return. Looks like WWE has not learned their lesson from last year’s “SummerSlam”. Speaking of Becky Lynch, the most exciting thing to happen during her Raw Women’s Championship match against Doudrop was the overhead “Wrestlemania” promo sign catching ablaze mid-program. Jokes aside, this championship bout was complete filler. There was no chance that Doudrop was ever going to win, there wasn’t even a proper video package aired to promote the fight and many of the advertisements and commentary were filled with microaggressions regarding Doudrop’s weight. There was no way that WWE would put the belt on Piper Niven, especially if they decided to change her name to Doudrop.
Still, it was amazing to see Lynch survive cannonball after cannonball and a few heabutts. Despite such offense, Lynch came out the better woman selling 2-counts, paying homage to Molly Holly (who was disrespected earlier in the night) by performing a surprise Molly Go-Round and ultimately coming out on top with a top rope leg drop followed by a Mahandle slam from the second rope.
WWE plans on moving no Doudrop merchandise, so it was not surprising to see her get the short end of the stick. But given their opposing nationalities and the differences from observing the tale of the tape, this match up could have been built so much better, than the thrown together production viewers were given. So now the WWE Universe is subject to see a part-timer build a story for ‘Mania, and two of the most dominant women in the locker room hold on to their respective championships as best as they can until said date while everyone else on the card who is not named Flair, Lynch or Rousey is treated as mediocre stepping stones.
Is it the humanity or is it plain insanity for WWE to continue to jilt their audience this way while competing promotions increasingly offer more variety and attention to fresh and authentic stories rooted in the culture but not reliant on nostalgia? Let the billion dollar company tell the tale.
Score : 2/5
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