There is no secret that Zoe Kravitz carried the last film and Johnny Depp’s inclusion in “The Crimes of Grindlewald” is sorely missed as Warner Bros. felt he shouldn’t reprise his role due to falsified domestic dispute allegations. Yet, Ezra Miller was filmed slapping the fire out of a female fan and he was right here making the Dumbledore family name look weak as ever… as if Jude Law needed any help turning what was a grey haired character full of whimsy and mystery into a lovelorn fool who’s romantic decisions (with Mads Mikkelsen now miscast as Grindlewald ) had the ramifications that could destroy the whole world. I basically sat through what was a soap opera for the better part of two hours as mentions of Portkey’s and Rooms of Requirement threw my head into recalling better Potter source material which made for overall better films that “Secrets” wish it could compare to.
It was a great idea for Newt to not be the focus of this film, even though he was the main protagonist. Though he had maybe one memorable sequence where he was rescuing his brother from one of the Ministry’s traps, he still doesn’t scream hero. Hell, his friend (portrayed by Dan Fogler) is the only “hero” I can faithfully identify in each film, and his character doesn’t even have a drop of magic blood in his veins ! Still this is Fantastic Beasts, so the budget for good writers went to great character designs and animations – but there was nothing new here that hasn’t been seen before in other fantasy films. Perhaps the best scene in “Secrets” features Fogler’s character and Lally (portrayed by Jessica Williams) running at each other in slow motion like something out of a Renaissance – era painting, but that moment of amazement is undercut by the next scene featuring two of the CGI beasts doing virtually the same thing in a different setting set up for comic relief.
But that’s the thing, Fantastic Beasts as a whole is just not funny.
I don’t know who the people behind this series think they are marketing to. Kid’s these days aren’t watching Harry Potter, they’re on Tik Tok. The only people in that theater other than myself were snotty adults, making me wish that they would bring back smoking sections for public places other than hotels. No kid is going to watch “The Secrets of Dumbledore” and be entertained. But since (surprise!) Warner Bros. left room for another sequel, should Yates and the crew come back for more, next time, those behind Fantastic Beasts might want to stop wanking their wands and move up their target audience if the goal is to make these movies to entertain.
Score : 1/5
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